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So a while back in my old journal, I wrote an open letter to an anonymous friend I once had. I just happened to reread it and while it is part pretentious asshattery (I hope two years ago I was as ironic as I like to think I was) it was also pretty cathartic at the time, because I had been thinking about the issues for longer than I really wanted. Talking to [profile] ky_rin and the bf last night made me remember that this kind of catharsis and honesty really is good to have once in a while, and that maybe some of you might also be in need or want of it right now, for whatever reason.

And it doesn't always have to be negative, or about/addressed to someone you might not particularly like at the moment. It could be something positive, about something someone did for you or to someone who greatly impacted your life. It could be to someone you miss, don't miss, don't care about anymore, wish you could have gotten to know better but didn't. It can be as vague or as candid as you wish. It doesn't even have to be anonymous (as in you don't have to be or your subject doesn't have to be). Just real.

Now if you're wondering if it's so important, why not just deal directly with the person in question? Well. Maybe you're not on speaking terms with them. Maybe you have no way to even contact them or know where they are. Maybe it's just not worth the effort of dealing with them. Maybe you don't even know them. This is just a forum to get the words out of your fingers and, hopefully, out of your thoughts.

I really hope you guys take to this idea. IP logging is off for the concerned.

Now, to put up or shut up:

Dear MI--

It's silly, but sometimes, after all these years, I still think about you, wonder how you're doing and if you're okay. It's silly because I hadn't known you for very long, a few months at most, but we talked a little and had good conversations and you became more than a username to me. Because yes, you were an internet friend, an lj friend, and suddenly, without warning, you vanished. I always imagined you would pop right back up with a rhyme and reason for the disappearance, but it never happened. So I was left to wonder, to fear the worst and hope for the best, because you were my friend, because you were a person.

I've since heard and seen things that could be attributed to an lj disappearance; parents finding accounts, simple disenchantment with lj--even death. Every time something like that happens I think briefly of you, because yours was the first personal disappearance, and it's hard to forget how my naive, well, idealism that you would come back slowly melted into worry and then resignation.

I do hope you're doing wonderfully, though, despite my anxious and wild imaginings. I hope you are still writing and loving and being the beautiful person I was just getting to know.

A nostalgic old friend

(no subject)

Date: 2010-08-21 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
this is a really good idea. think i'm gonna do something i haven't ever had the guts to.

To ___,

My instinct is to start with 'i hate you'.
But then I ended up taking it back. So instead, 'hello'.

I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're doing now. I don't know if you have a job, how you're making ends meet, or if you're making them meet at all. I don't know where you go to school, if you go to school, who your friends are, if you cut class to meet with them like you did back then.

I do know that I hope to never see you again.

We had something beautiful, if not practical. I had fun thanks to you, found new interests and the world became so much more intense and colorful, every corner packed with adventure. Those memories are still some of my favorite ones. But you changed, and I didn't, and when I finally did you had already become someone else. Someone I didn't like anymore, someone who took advantage of my affection for you, my loyalty to you, my trust in you.

Because of you, I didn't sleep for weeks. Because of you, I didn't eat. Because of you, I screamed whenever I was alone, over and over until my throat felt raw and my eyes were blurry. Because of you, I had to tell complete strangers the story of my body. Because of you, I had to let them test me, and question me, and press me until I dry-heaved from panic and shame. Because of you, I walked the campus with a wary eye, slapped thick black makeup around my lashes, drowned in huge t-shirts, turned pale from disuse.

Because of you, I burned into ashes.

And because of that, I unleashed the phoenix.
Lived to see another day and more.

I don't thank you for anything more than making those early years no longer lonely--for providing me with safety and friendship. But I just wonder, if/when we meet again, will you be jealous of the free bird I have become?

But all the same, ha. You can go fuck yourself. :P

Yours Truly.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-08-22 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Love you, phoenix. I'm glad it's out. ♥


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