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2010-08-21 10:04 pm (UTC)
this is a really good idea. think i'm gonna do something i haven't ever had the guts to.
My instinct is to start with 'i hate you'.
But then I ended up taking it back. So instead, 'hello'.
I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're doing now. I don't know if you have a job, how you're making ends meet, or if you're making them meet at all. I don't know where you go to school, if you go to school, who your friends are, if you cut class to meet with them like you did back then.
I do know that I hope to never see you again.
We had something beautiful, if not practical. I had fun thanks to you, found new interests and the world became so much more intense and colorful, every corner packed with adventure. Those memories are still some of my favorite ones. But you changed, and I didn't, and when I finally did you had already become someone else. Someone I didn't like anymore, someone who took advantage of my affection for you, my loyalty to you, my trust in you.
Because of you, I didn't sleep for weeks. Because of you, I didn't eat. Because of you, I screamed whenever I was alone, over and over until my throat felt raw and my eyes were blurry. Because of you, I had to tell complete strangers the story of my body. Because of you, I had to let them test me, and question me, and press me until I dry-heaved from panic and shame. Because of you, I walked the campus with a wary eye, slapped thick black makeup around my lashes, drowned in huge t-shirts, turned pale from disuse.
Because of you, I burned into ashes.
And because of that, I unleashed the phoenix.
Lived to see another day and more.
I don't thank you for anything more than making those early years no longer lonely--for providing me with safety and friendship. But I just wonder, if/when we meet again, will you be jealous of the free bird I have become?
But all the same, ha. You can go fuck yourself. :P
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